Nightmares in June

Sometimes I come across this illness..PTSD. Much like being a psychopath it's one of the mental illnesses that leave physical scars on the brain, in this case it affects short term memory and emotion control the worst which often leads to confusion, exhaustion and difficulties communicating or recognising ones feelings. Nightmares and insomnia is common. It also makes you hyper aware of your surroundings, like subtle changes in peoples faces and tones of voices.

 Or so I hear.

 Ironically I frequently forget that I have PTSD and it's like a new discovery every time. Every day perks there.. 

For anyone who doesn't know, PTSD stands for post traumatic stress syndrome and comes from living through traumatic events without properly healing. It feels a lot like I imagine it would feel if you one day woke up covered in a full body tattoo that someone else designed and you had to work on removing that for the rest of your life while people ask you why you got the tattoo if you hate it so much. Once you are done you might not even look like the same person. And no, not everyday is a battle. Having a terrible memory has saved me from so much pain and while I can't remember my past I feel truly happy. Until I remember. Until something happens. Because it is never from the inside, this is not an inside disease, it comes from the outside and works its way in. When the trigger happens the world stops and I fall back into the rabbit hole..and the clearest thought in my head is how much who ever I ask for help is going to hate me for presuming to ruin their day with my trauma. So I try. I try to climb up, try to forget again, try to see the light. But I can't say it doesn't create a deep hate for the ones looking down in the hole while I climb. Their backbound hands and encouraging words mock my struggle, I never asked to be strong on my own. The worst thing I find is not that I'm broken. It's that most people are fine.

The thing I find have helped the most is having people around who will reassure me I'm not insane (well..figuratively) and to put responsibility where it really lies, not focus so much on my guilt and shame. 

June is PTSD awareness month (apparently) so if I can give one advice if you know someone with an unwanted full body tattoo.. Don't fix, just love. And love as obvious as you can. We can fix our selves.