"No..! That is just it, this is not my first time. It doesn't seem to matter how far I go or how many years pass, it follows me. All it takes is someone to ask 'How much do I owe you?' and I'm back to..absolutely nothing.."
*swipes the whole glass of wine*
I see all these people now, with their selfies and hashtags on mental health, speaking out... Inspirational posts about how you are responsible for your own happiness and little steps make a long way.
This is not one of those posts.
Because there is no inspiration, only tragedy, in making it all on your own. And even though I think a beautiful story, if told well, enriches life far more than some luke warm truth.. Tragedy was always best raw.
The hardest thing about everything I do is that it is unnecessary and because of that, unwanted. Why would anyone pay me to do things that are merely pretty.. Because that's all I ever was, right? Entertaining.. Lying, probably. When no one cared for the truth. Putting a veil over peoples eyes to con them into thinking for one moment they were happy. So everytime someone asks me how much? I feel like they are asking me to cut my self open and spell it out with my intestines because I don't actually think it is worth anything and I hate the reminder. No one ever really thought it was, don't lie to me, I can tell..! Like I'd rather cut off my hands than put a price on my work, on momentary happiness essentially. That will never change. How can I possibly know how badly they want it..?
It is the best thing though...to watch as people feel. That's why I love to do it. To affect, to change how people feel. To create something we all wish was real.. Like an addict I crave the expression on their faces. It is the one thing I know how to do, why could you not let me have that, why, why did you have to make it evil and dirty, why, you made it now fucking look at it! I will have it, it is all that I am, it is what makes me me, it is what I live and breath, it is the only thing that's always been just me.
To me it is necessary. I do this in the hope that one day the world will seem so amazing that no one will ever want to go back to ordinary, I can not do this alone.. And don't tell me you didn't notice the shine fading when it was gone...
"I's just the maths, darling, it ruins it all"
..and from nowhere I'm pulled out of it, into the light. Maybe I do not have to make my own way, maybe this story hasn't yet ended. And what beauty didn't start with tragedy after all..?
*take a deep breath*
"She once said when I cry like in the movies. Vulnerability and defiance at the same time."
Yes. I still remember..
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