In the dim light of my Mill road bedroom I look out on the empty street. I think of the time I snook into the cinema to see Titanic as an 11 year old and how it started a teenage idea of adulthood that was finished off by Cruel Intentions a few years later. I am far far away from those days. A different country, a different language..a different expression on my face. Yet there were things first noticed then that I've never really understood until just now.
Is this what they call a 30-years-crisis?
The last 3 years have felt much like falling down a rabbit hole. I have screamed and cried and bled and fought for my life and loved and danced and risked and reached far beyond the lengths of arms. And wished oh how I have wished.. I have lost almost everything familiar and experienced things I never thought possible, both good and bad to the extremes. I have seen the highs and the lows, many times quite literally... From a rainy alleyway saying goodbye for the last time that taught me that silence is the difference between 'maybe' and 'never' to following the river and the cold rooms of nr 9 and the candle lit medieval halls.. I shall never forget where it was the underground wires led me.. Through loneliness and destitution, friends I made and lost while I found the dark side of this enlightened town. And one day, just an unordinary day, I felt the warm wind blow through my hair, the silence no longer enforced and I realised I was on the other side of the rabbit hole. It all looks different. But the ground feels stable again and I hear that familiar voice...the voice of my own mind. Quietly returning.
I know what it feels like now. Truly. I know how it feels to let go...to leave everything I ever wanted behind me and start again.
Don't feel bad. Just like in my teenage films, I didn't leave empty handed either x
Waking up. 32, undeniable eye wrinkles now, vintage dress and on my way into the unknown.
Forever changed.
Forever changed.
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